If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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