the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
