You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
