And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
