i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
