I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
