Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
