I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
