The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
