you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
