even my farts smell like vagina
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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