Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
