i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
