Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
