Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My penis needs a shock collar
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
