today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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