it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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