I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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