I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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