Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
