I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
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