I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i drank out of a bidet.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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