From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
