Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
3pm strippers are depressing
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
