PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
