i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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