so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
