life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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