Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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