I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
