Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
