I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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