I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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