Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
