When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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