Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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