she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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