why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
