This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
