if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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