Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize