Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
