Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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