ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
