Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
