he wants to bone in the snuggie
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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