I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
