sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
