Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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