a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
