A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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